Problematic Uchiha
by Orochimara
Summary: Sasuke Uchiha enters highschool as a bipolar freshman and meets a group of nuerotic people who he later calls his friends. WARNING: straight and yaoi couples, odd pairings, perverted thoughts, drugs, and a hell lotta drama. This is my very first fanfic
1. End Of Summer Vacation

**The End of Summer Vacation**

_Enter The School_  
Sasuke Uchiha woke dazedly from his bed and looked around the room. He sat there trying to recall what he had just dreamt about last night "Hmm" he thought "I vaguely remember being a ninja and throwing shurikens at Ellen Degeneres's head". Quietly he said "she was in a refrigerator-OH KAY SHUT UP NOW". A little disturbed he rose from his bed and went to get dressed. Looking at his drawer he looked at some shirts. "I think I'll wear tight jeans with a studded belt." He thought hard "now for the shirt..." he carefully picked out a shirt that said "Let's get something straight, I'm not", he snorted and put the shirt on. He put red streaks in his hair and wore black combat boots with a broken heart at the heel.

_Enter The School_  
Running down the stairs he went to the fridge and munched on some teriyaki jerky. He knew this wasn't the best thing to eat for breakfast but, he thought to himself "At least Sanjin will still think his pig ran away.." and kept on munching on the meat with guilty disgust. He walked down the stairs and out of the door and almost forgot his book bag and grabbed it and closed the door behind him. His older brother Itachi ran up behind the door and screamt "YOU IDIOT, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR MEDICATION." but, he was already two blocks away.

_Enter The School REALLY - 3;_  
In front of the school he read " É‚Â‚«‚É... いさつ". "Yeah" he thought I still can't read Japanese and I've been living in Japan for fourteen years "hahahaha". He grabbed his Corona and chugged it down his throat and opened the doors to the hallways. Once in the hallways he went to the sheet on the wall to see his new homeroom it said "Uchiha- room 1,412, 3499", "WHAT THE " he thought. He stared at it again "Uchiha- room 17", he murmured "much better" and walked down the hallway and turned down the hall. Finally he hesitantly met a group of freshmen just like himself. He had fifteen minutes to class and no interest with acquainting with any of them, so he went to the bathroom to check on his eye shadow. There in the room it was empty- (for so he thought) and stood in front of the mirror. Then some boy with fiery red hair came out of a stall and stood next to him checking his makeup as well. He was so consumed with his cosmetics he finally tilted his head to glance at the boy. He was in total awe the boy was stunning, he had the reddest hair any person could imagine, he had extremely, I mean EXTREMELY thick eyeliner around a blend of blue and green eyes. He also had two peculialarities- 1.) he seemed to have shaved his eyebrows off, 2.) he had a tattoo of a Japanese symbol on his left temple. Sasuke opened his mouth and coolly said "What's your name?" the boy did not reply. Sasuke trying again said "I love your eyeliner how'd you do it?" again the boy did not answer, he tried again and said "Is your hair that color naturally?" he ignored him, and Sasuke was starting to think he was a mute. He went quiet for a moment and finally decided to ask him one last question then leave him alone. He said "What does that symbol on your head represent?" looking at his head the boy did not answer again and Sasuke slowly headed out the door. Then he heard "It means love" then followed by that was a loud thud. Sasuke turned around and realized they boy was out cold lying on the ground "OH SHIT" he thought "WHAT SHOULD I DO?! OH MY GOD-DAMMIT". So he quickly picked out a roll of toilet paper and started to wrap it around his lanky body. Then he picked up the boy and placed him in the trash can, and put the lid back on. He nervously pushed the can into the third stall and locked it and crawled out under the door. "There" he thought "He'll be oh sunny and fine in here."

_Room No. 17_  
Sasuke came back out of the bathroom and headed to his homeroom. He was nervous he had to admit and not from the weird coincidence he had just five minutes ago. But since he was Sasuke- the coolest/most popular/emo/plastic boy in the school he was a master at dressing his emotions in costumes. He walked in and sat in the farthest seat on the left-hand corner. There he saw a very pretty girl with bright pink hair, green eyes, and an extremely large forehead. She was wearing an Antic Cafe and shirt with a blue micro mini. The girl noticed he was looking at her and flushed red and turned to talk to her friend. This girl in comparison to the other girl looked extremely fake. She had silky blonde hair with long bangs pulled into a high ponytail. She looked like a bulimic Paris Hilton and wore way too much makeup for her own good. He saw a boy who had his hair in a ponytail and had his head down on a desk drooling. He looked more and saw a girl who was slowly fingering a knife she was holding. He glanced even more she was now pulling a knife out of her mouth and playing with a lighter in the other hand. Sasuke slowly moved his chair away farther to the other side, away from the panda-haired-knife-loving girl. He took out his ipod and listened to "April Strippers Bring Brown Pussies" the bell rang just as the vulgar band started to play and tucked his ipod under his shirt. The teacher went in front of the class, she looked like a model. Blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes with an exceptionally large chest. She said "Hello class I am your teacher Tsunade-" cut off short another teacher who had black hair and red contacts on said "Tsunade you need to come to the office for a second." She left and the class chattered, Sasuke was bored and just glanced at his own hands. The out of the blue a boy with spiky blonde hair and blue eyes ran into the room with the two teachers angrily following behind him. He ran to the seat next to Sasuke and winked at him. The two girls he saw earlier giggled at the blonde boy. Tsunade came in and said "NARUTO UZUMAKI, HOW DARE YOU BE LATE ON YOUR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL." Naruto just shrugged at the teacher and the class began. Three hours later the bell rang (half day) and he ran out of the room. Naruto cornered him and said "I love your shirt babe." and ran into the wall, then got his balance and ran out of the door. Sasuke returned home feeling tired, he fell asleep and dreamt of Naruto and the red haired boy underneath him with his double-D cups jiggling.


	2. That Boy Needs Therapy

**That Boy Needs Therapy**

_Wake Up_

Sasuke woke up just barely opening his eyes. He started to gain consciousness "Good morning world.." he thought "Why is my ceiling white? It's always been gray." Another thought came to him "Maybe I went to sleep in the living room." He still didn't realize he wasn't in his house until he heard an unfamiliar grunt next to him. He turned to his right and saw a woman in her mid-twenties on a bed about two feet away from him. He cautiously said "Hey do you have any idea, as to why I'm in a hospital?". The lady sat up and screamt "WELL YOU SORTA JUMPED OUT OF YOUR WINDOW, RAN INTO THE STREET, AND GOT HIT BY A CAMMEL." Sasuke was now slightly frightened and non-believing of the woman's words but, he asked "WHERE'D IT COME FROM?!", she jumped out of her bed and screamt "THE OCEAN". Sasuke was now wondering what the lady was talking about but, just when he was gonna open his mouth three men came into the room. They quickly grabbed her by her sides and pinned her to the bed. "NOOO" she screamt 'LET ME GO, LET ME GO". Her harsh wails did not penetrate the men's ears, and they buckled her up and injected her with a white syringe. Sasuke by this point realized what was going on and the men left the room with the woman locked to her bed.

_Sabaku no Gaara_

Sasuke turned back around on his back and just slightly closed his eyes to relax. "That wasn't the first time I've seen something like that." he thought. He rubbed his eyes and pushed the hair out of his face to wipe off the beads of sweat on his forehead and heard a voice. It said "hey..", and Sasuke turned to his other side and saw the same red haired boy he had left in the garbage. His eyes locked to the boy's drop dead sexterior, and he said "hey". The red haired boy sat up on his bed and said "Hey your brother wanted me to tell you that last night you got hit by a car but, you probably got the idea somewhat from what the lady said." Sasuke now interested sat up on his bed as well, and said "Oh thank you.. has my brother already been here?", the other boy replied "Yeah he has, he had to leave though". Sasuke said "shit that really sucks, because I have no idea how in the world I got hit by a car. I mean the only thing I remember was walking home and going into my bedroom and falling asleep." The red haired boy put his hands into his pockets and retrieved a white bottle, he handed it to Sasuke. He then took the bottle and then he started to read the words on it: "600 milligrams/two pills a day. Prescribed by Dr. Black for manic depression (or known as bipolar disorder). Please do not take alcohol while on the use of this drug", then the red haired boy said "I think you forgot to take your medication".

Sasuke snickered and said "yeah I did", and opened the bottle and placed two red pills on his tongue and swallowed hard. The red haired boy said "that lady was right you did jump out of your window and into the street but, of course you got hit by a car, not a camel", "next time remember to take your medication, and don't lock me in a bathroom stall". Sasuke was a little bit embarrassed but, then he wondered why he was here with him. So Sasuke said "So what crime did you do to get into this prison? Oh and I still don't know your name". The boy said nothing but picked up his left hand, and around the upper part of his arm was white cloth with mismatched splotches of red on the bottom of it. "My name is Sabaku no Gaara", "Uchiha Sasuke" said the raven-haired boy. Gaara just nodded and Sasuke said "That's a lot of blood how many lines did you cut into your wrist?". "One slash" said Gaara, at first Sasuke thought this was some sort of joke but, he realized how serious his face was. "Wow" was Sasuke's only reaction, he was really quiet by this point. Gaara realized that Sasuke was a bit confused and said "I have hemophilia".

_Control Freak_

Sasuke looked up and still had nothing to say, an awkward silence passed for a full minute then Gaara turned around to face the drawer next to him. Sasuke looked at what he was doing and just realized for the ten minutes that have past, that there was a giant tank filled with sand next to Gaara's hospital bed. "Umm... Gaara, why the hell is there a giant tank filled with sand next to you?" Gaara looked at him like he was a total idiot and said with a bit of an angry tone "It's my ant farm". Sasuke looked at him strangely and replied back "Oh I've never met someone with an ant farm before...". Gaara looked back at Sasuke with now not an angry tone but, a bit of a psychotic tone in his voice and said "This is my city and I am their emperor.". Gaara pointed to numerous holes in the sand and said "See these little cities? Each ant is responsible for taking care of its family and work to survive." "Interesting.." said Sasuke in a flat voice, he was underneath it all actually very afraid of this boy's strange actions. Gaara suddenly picked up the tank and started to shake it up and down as hard as he could. "GAARA WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?!" shrieked Sasuke. Gaara placed the tank down and yelled at Sasuke. "When my ants misbehave, I send them deadly plagues" he grinned giggling uncontrollably. Sasuke was in dead silence and said nothing. Sasuke thought to himself, so he completely ignored the broken tank and picked up a mirror and looked at his reflection. He looked at his face an noticed he had a vanishing black right eye but, instead of being annoyed he said out loud "I love it, I should start doing my eye shadow like this more often!". Gaara slowly turned around and said "Would you like me to black out your other eye?!". Before Sasuke could say anything the nurse came in and said "Gaara you may leave now your brother is outside waiting for you in the car. Mr. Uchiha your brother has given you permission to leave the hospital in thirty minutes by yourself.". The nurse then walked out of the room and Gaara put his black cloak on. He stood there for a minute and said "I'm sorry for all of that" and walked next to Sasuke's bed and pushed the red button on the railing. Gaara walked out of the hospital as Sasuke's hospital bed closed in half on him.


	3. People Are Strange

**People Are Strange**

_Boring Cosmetics Section blah..._

Sasuke Uchiha like every day of his life woke up from bed his again. "God" he thought "Why can't it be, that I never wake up again?" he questioned himself in a cranky voice. "that Gaara guy has some serious issues, I'm pretty sure there's more reasons than cutting your wrist for you to get into a psycho ward", "I need to find out more about him" he thought with a mischievous grin. He slowly rose out of bed and looked at the time "6:55? I'm five minutes early." He sat up on his bed and massaged his back, it was still sore from yesterday when the bed closed in half on him. He finally got up and went to his drawer, he felt exceptionally homosexual today. He put on: a pair of black skinny jeans with hot pink lacing, a red with white polka dotted tie as a belt, a gray long sleeved t-shirt that said "The voices are speaking to me" that was written in red bleeding font, and put on imperfectly perfect pair of hot pink and lime green converses (one shoe was green with pink shoelaces the other was pink with green shoelaces). He looked at his reflection and realized he still had a black eye but, it was half as light as it was yesterday, and realized it would be completely gone by tomorrow. He put his hand in his book bag and fished for the eye shadow he bought yesterday walking back from the hospital. He dipped the tip of the brush into the dirt-like sediment and smeared the eye shadow over his eyes making sure that there was less on the right eye so it would even out with his left eye. "My eyebrow piercing looks too clash with the eye shadow, the snakebite looks fine though." so he removed the piercing, and replaced the double-sided mouth piercing with pink and green rings in each hole. Sasuke had nine piercing: three cartilages piercing on his left ear, normal ear piercing, an eyebrow piercing on his left eye, snakebite, and oddly enough a belly ring. That he all received on his thirteenth birthday a year ago. He put on black and white over-lapping chandelier earrings and put a pink and green striped ribbon on his hair that had a skull in the center of it.

_Sasukeparanoid_

Sasuke ran down from his bedroom after cleaning his room/taking medication/brushing teeth/etc. and into the kitchen. There on his refrigerator was a yellow sticky that said "Had to go to school early and I made eggs for you this morning. They're in the microwave. Itachi". Sasuke already brushed his teeth and had no appetite so he got the eggs and put them in the trash. He walked outside with his book bag on his back and realized what a lovely day it was, sunny with clear blue skies. Sasuke started heading for his school and thought to himself "I wonder if I missed any homework and who are in my new classes. Hopefully Naruto". As he was walking he saw a cute little black cat with innocent large yellow eyes. "Aww what a cutey" he thought, he bent down a little to stroke the cat and the cat growled. "WOW SOMEONE HAS ANGER ISSUES"; "I BET YOU'RE JUST ANGRY BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANY ANOTHER PERSON WITH A PUSSY FOR YOU TO PLAY WITH". So he kicked the kitten and it bit into his leg and clung to him. Sasuke swung his leg up and the cat flew against the brick house and bounced off. The cat died and he smiled and said out loud "Good you deserved it you horney cat". So Sasuke continued to his way to school and had a sudden thought "Oh my God, what if God punishes me for doing this?!" he screamed and jumped into the nearest bush waiting to die. A few seconds later he realized that nothing apocalyptic happened and got out of the bush and walked across the street.

_Stoner Man_

He was finally at school but he took a different route there so he was on the garden next to the high school campus that led to the side entrance. As he was passing the small flowers that cluttered on the side of the of the stone pathway he heard a voice go "Hey Sasuke". Sasuke jumped a little and said "Who's there?" and turned around to face a birdbath. "Hello?" he said, "No turn around again you idiot", Sasuke turned half way around and was face to face with a tree. All of a sudden a face appeared out of the hole in the tree, Sasuke at first thought he just went through temporary insanity but, recognized the face as the drooling kid in his homeroom from two days ago. "Are you high?..." was Sasuke's only response luckily enough his voice showed no signs of emotion as usual. The boy in the tree moved about a bit and stuck his hand out of the hole, and waved his fingers toward himself. Sasuke stepped forward and the boy said "Shikamaru offer you good deal" he said in a slurred voice. He took his other hand out of the tree bark and was holding a bag of marijuana in his hand. "For the first day I'll give you a medium sized pack for ten dollars" said the brown haired boy, "TEN DOLLARS? THAT'S MAD CHEAP!" was Sasuke's excited reaction in his head. "Naw, its okay" Sasuke said, Shikamaru looked him in the eye and took out another bag and placed it next to the other one. "Two for one, same price" said the boy, "I don't want any" Sasuke lied. "You know what I'll see you later" said Sasuke, "Come back soon" said Shikamaru "I will" Sasuke said this time not lying. "Oh by the way, why are you in a tree?" Sasuke asked questioningly to his fellow classmate "I'm a harborphiliac" was Shikamaru's only response, and he put a brown paper bag on his head (blending with the tree) and waited for the next person to come by.

_Bio Class_

Sasuke was in front of his locker, and started to unlock the lock "4, 23, 7.." he remembered. And put in his books for his three upcoming classes, since it was half days for the whole week. He walked to his homeroom and waited for the day to begin. Tsunade took attendance and the blonde haired boy sitting next to him whispered into his ear and said "Our teacher is super bang-able". Sasuke just stared at him strangely and pranced out of the classroom. First period was history he learned nothing at all out of that whole subject, and heard long rants of his teacher's divorce with his wife over the summer. Second period was math class he learned a bit a bit about perpendicular formulas or something, he wasn't paying much attention and got a few girls whispering to each other. They where mostly saying "that boy Sasuke he's pretty hot", and would turn away chuckling when he looked up at them. As he was walking down the hallway to his next class he saw Gaara walk next to him, and they entered the classroom together. Sasuke took a seat in the back and Gaara placed his book bag down on the seat behind him. Their bio teacher introduced himself he said "Hey class welcome to biology, my name is Jiraiya. And today you're learning absolutely nothing but, this is a day to ask me questions that you've always wondered about our small world.", quickly the class went into a quick euphoria and started shooting out questions like "I DREAMT ABOUT MY MOTHER HAVING AN ERECTION, IS THAT CONSIDERED A NIGHTMARE?", and "MY PET FROG HAS A DICK AND A HOLE, DOES THAT MEAN HE CAN GIVE HIMSELF AN STD?!". As these random questions where being shouted across the room Gaara tapped Sasuke on his back and started to whisper into his ear. "Hey I'm really really sorry about yesterday when I closed the bed in half on you, that sorta wasn't me." Sasuke replied back with a sarcastic "right..", and Gaara said "No I'm serious, I was trying to fight back Shikaku". Sasuke whispered "Shikaku, who and what are you talking about?", "Shikaku is my other identity, I have schizophrenia, I'll explain more about this later." Sasuke suddenly felt afraid of sitting in front of this boy, and he whispered "Hey I don't bite, and dude what the fuck is with your outfit? You look like you where just given birth by a man." Sasuke had nothing to say and a question popped up in his head. "Jiraiya?", "Yes Mr. Uchiha?", Sasuke sat up a little more straight and said "What's harborphilia?", Jiraiya laughed and said "Why?" without trying to burst into hysterical laughter. "Well" Sasuke said "I think my father might have been one". Jiraiya laughed and said "Sasuke, a harborphiliac is someone who likes to have sex with plants, most commonly trees.". The whole class broke into hysterical laughter even Gaara let out an almost inaudible giggle behind Sasuke's back. Sasuke felt slightly humiliated but, turned around and looked at Shikamaru who had grateful eyes for not saying it was him.

Author's Side Note: **I'm not exactly sure how you spell harborphilia but, my friend pronounced it like that and told me that was it's meaning. Don't flame me if I'm wrong, it's all for the reading pleasure xD**


	4. Apathy

**Apathy**

Long Ago

"YES.." was the only thought coming to Sasuke's head. "IT'S FRIDAY BITCHES, AND I JUST STEPPED ON A SNAIL.". Sasuke gazed down unhappily at the caucasian slug with broken shell bits all over his foot. "Gross..." he replied, Sasuke went to the bathroom to wash off the snail from his foot, he came back and sat on his bed and looked at the time. "6:37? oh my god.. that's when..", and two red eyes glared at him in the back of his mind. "_Do you remember Sasuke?.._" said the voice coming from the burgundy colored eyes. "_Get out of my head right now_." said Sasuke's inner self. "_Immature child, you have never lived up to their expectations, it's pointless to disagree with me_." replied back the voice. "_No I don' t remember_" Sasuke exclaimed as he stared at the holes in the walls he created not even a year ago. "_You lie, I can see the truth in your eyes_" said the voice laughing at him. "_How could you do that to them?, you __loved__ them_. _You fucking sick bastard_!" Sasuke replied choking back tears. "I WILL NEVER BE _ANYTHING_ LIKE YOU!!" Sasuke screamed out loud. The eyes he imagined in the back of his eyes shut closed and faded back to the inner dimensions of his thoughts. Sasuke clutched his chest as he tried to uncurl from the little ball he formed into on the floor. The tears wouldn't stop rolling down his face now, and they kept on coming faster and faster just like his heartbeat. He was falling apart again. Then he heard the same voice he so dreaded coming from outside his bedroom door. "Sasuke are you okay? Is it alright if I come in?" came the voice from his older brother Itachi. "Leave me alone, _you fucking sick bastard" _Sasuke said luckily keeping the second half of the sentence in his thoughts. His brother opened the door and ran up to his younger brother who was slowly coming up from the ground. "Is this about _that_ again?" Itachi whispered. "I FUCKING HATE YOU JUST GET AWAY FROM ME.." Sasuke screamed. Itachi rubbed his brother's cheek like a mother would do for her son. Sasuke turned his cheek away from him fast and glared at him. Itachi sighed and just gave up trying to help his younger sibling and said "The least I can do is make breakfast for you." Itachi walked out of the room leaving his brother alone on the floor panting. "It's been awhile since I've had an attack, actually more than a couple of months... At least I didn't scream the whole time like I usually did." Sasuke's voice echoed in his conscience.

WTF XD

Sasuke didn't care too much of what he would dress like today. He quickly put on his The Unicorns hoodie, and his black tripp pants. He comed all of his bangs to one side instead of letting it rest on both sides of his head, slipped on a pair of chucks, and put some red eyeshadow. He ran down stairs with his bookbag and quickly opened the cabinet door and took out his meds. He quickly gulped it down and slammed it back closed. Itachi was in front of the sink washing dishes and said "Sasuke don't leave yet, I left your ham and cheese sandwich on the table." Sasuke walked up to the table and grabbed the plate by the edge and threw it across the room like a frisby. "LIKE RICH PREPS ONLY" yelled Sasuke as he ran on all fours down the steps.

Sasuke on estrogen

Sasuke was already in school, (thanks to his animal powers it cut his walking time by half). He walked down the hallway and went to get his books ready. He closed the locker and he suddenly felt some heavy breathing on his cheek. He sat very still and kept his eyes staring at the locker. Then a very familiar voice said seductively "I can get you wet without water." and then Sasuke felt a very light pat on his butt. Sasuke couldn't believe what just happened, he stood up slowly from his locker and turned around to see a very heavy kid with a bag of potato chips in his hand. "D-Did Naruto Uzumaki just 'tap that'?" said the king of fat. Sasuke stood up completely and turned to face him and the boy laughed at him. "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE TURNING RED, YOU **LIKE** HIM DON'T YOU?". Sasuke cooly looked at the guy and said "STFU IHY TTYL" and stuffed the bag of potato chips in the guy's mouth and punched him across the face. The guy went flying across the hallway, and the hallway went silent. Then out of nowhere cheers exploded throughout the school. Sasuke ran as fast as he could down the hallway, right turn, left turn, and BAM THERE WAS GAARA. Out of all the people in this school Sabaku no Gaara got the very last locker down the hallway, which was very much secluded from everyone elses. Gaara looked up at Sasuke, and Sasuke glomped. "GAARA-KUN!!" Sasuke squealed as he launched on to Gaara' back. "GET OFF ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT.." Gaara said in a harsh tone. Sasuke instantly unclinged from his back and looked him in the eye "sorry.." he said. "Whatever.." Gaara retorted. "Oh no has he figured me out, does he know, does he know, does he know that I'm rainbow?!" thought Sasuke. "Hey wanna hang out sometime?" said Gaara with an apolegetic look on his face. "Eventually" said Sasuke's voice returning back to it's usual monotone form.

Lunch

The day flew by (not really) Sasuke felt it was all too long being that it was the first full day of school. He fell asleep numerous times in his classes and even got the ruler across his face once... or twice... But anyways it was lunch time now the break point in the middle of the day and he had no idea where to sit. He weaved his way through the crowd and saw an empty table with one guy at it. The guy had what seemed to be very light gray eyes, and oily long dark brown hair he was wearing: a plaid flannel jacket, an Pearl Jam shirt, combat boots, and ripped jeans. He was a total grunge kid. He sat down across the kid and took out his sandwich and ate at it. Then Gaara came over and sat right next to the grunge guy. Sasuke was happy now that there where more than two people at the table it made him feel more steady. "Hey Neji.." Gaara said but, Neji wasn't paying attention to him, his eye was focused on another table. Sasuke and Gaara both looked in the direction Neji was looking and saw a group of girls. In the table from left to right was Ino Yaminaka or (AKA Bulimic Paris Hilton), Sakura Haruno (Pinky), a girl who looked very similair to Neji whom they figured out was named Hinata, The panda-haired girl Tenten, and at the end Temari. The table right next to them held Naruto, Shikamaru, Rock Lee, Chouji (the fat guy), and a very mysterious looking guy named Shino. And with those two tables side by side did they see a very weird sight.

Naruto was holding his crotch making contortions with his lips. "YOU HAVE CRABS?" Rock Lee screamed innocently. "DATTEBAYO, I MEAN OH HELL NO." Naruto leaned over to Rock Lee and whispered "Not all peircings are visible.". "So you mean your fountain of youth has become a fountain of saggy balls?". "Lee I'm not going through my midlife crisis." Naruto said sarcastically, taking sips from his ramen bowl. Lee looked offended and said "I meant it sagged well not really sagged but, got hurt because of the peircing.". "BINGO" said Naruto. At the moment he said "BINGO" a loud high pitched shrill came from Ino's back. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" shreiked Ino, disrupting her gossiping with Sakura and Tenten. "Oh it's my Sugar Glider, Roofus" said Lee in a very excited tone. "Why's it in my bookbag Bushy Brows?", "Well it likes to sleep in very _shallow_ environments" Rock Lee said back not knowing how bitchy that came out. "Did you?" Ino said but, got cut off by Sakura. "He didn't mean it that way Ino, he meant your lunch box is narrow" she said. "FLY ROOFUS FLY" and Lee threw the animal into the air. The sugar glider swooped over Shino's head, under Hinata's legs and diving into Sasuke's shirt. "HE'S TWISTING MY NIPPLES." Sasuke screamed. "WOW LEE LOOK WHAT YOU DID, BAKA!" Ino said smacking Lee across the face. Sakura ran up to Sasuke lifted up his shirt and bit the sugar glider's tail. The sugar glider gasped in pain releasing it's grip from Sasuke's dagingoganana. "You alright?" Sakura exclamied, "Yeah I'm fine" he replied back. Then Sakura went back to the other table gave Roofus back to it's rightful owner picked up her lunch and moved across to Sasuke's table. Sakura sat next to Sasuke and whispered "Hope you don't mind, I just needed to get away from that dousche bag" giving Ino a nasty look.

Orochi-wonka

Sasuke had enough of this day, he walked home exhausted and cramped. "At least Naruto is in almosy all of my classes", which was very true given the fact besides guidance counseling he was with him in all major subjects. He went home took a nice long hot shower, got changed into his Gravitation PJs (which had Shuichi and Yuki chibis all over them :D), and brushed his teeth. He fell on his bed and fell into a deep slumber.

"Thoomp.. thoomp" the noise echoed over and over again. "thoomp..", by this point Sasuke was sitting up straight on his bed "What in the world?..." "thoomp..thoomp". Sasuke got out of bed and went to his window. He looked out of it and saw the clear night sky shining "Hmm that's weird" he thought. Then he looked at the gound which was his backyard and scanned the scenery "Swings, broken down bike, dog house, cardboard box, tree... CARDBOARD BOX?", Sasuke quickly slipped on a pair of flats and ran downstairs as quietly as he could not trying to wake up his older brother. He walked around the fence, then the gate, and opened, the sing door that lead to the yard. He stood in the center, of the yard and looked up at the ground that was spread below his window, on the ground where a bunch of rocks. "That explains the thumping noise.." he said warily, and walked over to the cardbooard box. There on the box was a "KNOCK HERE" sign, "Am I being punked?" Sasuke jumped a bit. Sasuke finally got all of his courage and knocked on the box. Then out of the box ascended a very tall pale man with an expensive suit, cryptic eyeliner, a long tall hat, and a lollipop in his hand. "Sasuke-kun I've been waiting for you..", "Who are you...?" Sasuke stepping back with his voice. "You're vacuum cleaner." said the bizzare man. Suddenly Sasuke was pinned to against the side of his house, being forcefully licked upon. "Time to suck your sins away", said the guy biting down on Sasuke's collarbone. "St-stop it!" Sasuke said overwhelmed. As though if he where saved by the bell the man backed away with fear in his eyes. "THE MORMONS ARE COMING", "RUN AWAY BEFORE THEY GROW YOU IN THEIR TREE HOUSE." The man ran off making sure not to leave his cardboard box away. Sasuke stood there with his knees wobbling into each other, "My lord.." he cried. Sasuke went to leave but, before he went back into the house he picked up the guy's name tag which said "Orochimaru".

Author's Side Note: **Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN NARUTO AND I NEVER WILL.**

**Sorry about this chapter I know it's a bit boring but, I had to get through some of the details like what's going on in school. And I haven't been able to update in awhile thanks to school but, it's finally over TT. And yeah poor Sasuke he's a sex machine :C. But, I promise the next chapter will make up for it, there's gonna be **_**tricks and treats**___


	5. Halloween Part 1

**Halloween Part 1**

October 31st

Sasuke looked at the calendar today was October 31st. Already a month had flown by since the beginning of the year. It was a lot harder than grammar school he had to admit but, when progress reports came out his averages in all of his subjects where 90 and above. He was still the top-of-the-class genius he was back then in elementary but, on his grades for conduct behavior was a big fat "F". September had bombarded him with projects and homework, and ever since he's had no time to hang out with anybody. But today was finally the day that he and Gaara could finally hang out. Sasuke looked through his drawer once again but since today was Halloween he did something new. He was going to be Ozzy Osbourne for the children's holiday. He threw on his Black Sabbath tank top, and put on a pair of ripped jeans. To top off the outfit he put on a black leather jacket, black spectacles, and a long wavy black wig. He looked up at his reflection and laughed he realized he looked nothing like him but, it did give off an Ozzy aura. And for once he put on some eyeliner and mascara instead of eye shadow. He locked the front door behind him, and there was Gaara waiting in front of his house just like he promised. They crossed the street and began to chat. "So what do you want to do today?" asked Gaara. "Well I definitely wasn't planning on trick-or-treating." said Sasuke. "Hey you wanna go kill little animals with me?" Gaara said with a twisted grin. Sasuke stopped walking for a brief moment and looked at him with a funny face. "Well I was thinking we could go to the mall?" Sasuke said with a more serious tone. "Well I thought you would wanna go egging or teepeing houses?", "Yeah but, the mall won't be open all day it closes at 10:00 tonight", "So if you want, after we go to the mall we can go throw rotten eggs at farting seniors." said Sasuke. "That's fine" said Gaara but, then he looked at Sasuke and said "Wait which mall are we going to?", "Mmm.." Sasuke mumbled. "What about Konaha Outlets?". "SASUKE, THAT'S A 30 MINUTE DRIVE FROM HERE, HOW'RE GONNA GET THERE BY FOOT?!" Sasuke was going to open his mouth but, before a breath could be drawn from his lips Gaara asked "Where are we?". They where entering a small clearing filled with flowers, which was the same garden Sasuke walked into a month ago. "You'll see.. FOLLOW ME!!!" and Sasuke grabbed Gaara by the arm and ran down the exotic pathway.

Did you do the muffin man?

They reached a stop by an old oak tree facing the opposite side of a bird bath and Sasuke said "Wait here..". He let go of Gaara and at first it looked like Sasuke was peeling of a piece of bark but, as Gaara examined it more from the background he realized he ripped of a paper bag from Nara Shikamaru's sleeping head. Sasuke smacked Shikamaru awake and screamt "GOOD MORNING MUFFIN, MY PALM SAYS YOU'RE SEXY." Nara looked up and mumbled "Grandpa I-I don't want to play footsies with you anymore..." and he nodded of into slumber again. Sasuke then said "HE REALLY WANTS YOU TO KNOW, YOU TURN HIM ON". Sasuke then started smacking Shikamaru's face back and forth while saying "SEXY MUFFIN, SEXY MUFFIN, SEXY MUFFIN, SEXY MUFFIN, SEXY MUFFIN..." following each statement with a slap. Once reaching the 5th "SEXY MUFFIN" Shikamaru snapped. Shikamaru grabbed Sasuke by the tongue and yanked it down and yelled "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP, SEXY MUFFIN, IS GONNA FEED YOUR TONGUE TO THE NURSING HOME." Shikamaru's coal black eyes met with Sasuke's coal black eyes and he finally released his tongue. "Tell me what you want or forever hold your peace." Sasuke reached into his pocket and retrieved his power puff girl wallet and took out a wad of singles. "I'm willing to give you some moola, to kill off my brain cells. You can call me Peter Pan". "Ahh.. One moment" said Shika and he retrieved a small plastic bag of marijuana and handed it to Sasuke.

There are no igloos in Japan?

The school corridors where brightly decorated with skulls, bats, spider webs, and other eerie objects to celebrate the holidays. But what caught his eye the most where the flamboyant costumes his fellow classmates where wearing. As him and his friend strutted past the walking Christmas trees they went to Sasuke's locker to exchange his books. After that they walked off to Gaara's. Gaara stood in front of the locker and started to dial the combination. He went to reach for the handle but, hesitated for a moment and looked around the room to see if anyone was looking. He opened the door and from the locker an icy blast of air hit their faces. The locker was covered with what looked like a thin layer of frost or snow but, what was really shocking what was _in_ the locker. Inside the tiny compartment was a baby penguin on a treadmill bike. The wires of the treadmill led to a miniature oven, and in the corner was a little toilet. The penguin was still pedaling even though someone had opened the door to it's "room". Gaara placed his hand inside the locker and poked the penguin in the belly with his index finger. The little penguin stopped pedaling, got off the bike, and opened the oven. The small creature waddled towards it's master with a tray of cookies. "Thank you, Yoseph", Gaara then poured a bag of skittles into the creature's mouth and fed it some chocolate milk. Gaara looked at the penguin and gave it a tiny kiss on its forehead and it walked off to the corner and took a dump in the toilet. When finally over all this was over Gaara turned around to face a slightly cross-eyed Sasuke, with the shape of his mouth hanging in an impressive "O". "Gaara where the FUCK, did you get a penguin from?" said Sasuke with his mouth slightly twitching. Gaara laughed out loud, and looked at Sasuke and exclaimed "I stole him from a zoo, where do you think genius?". Sasuke turned around to face the crazy guy "GAARA, YOU'RE GOING TO GET ARRESTED." he said. "Pfft.. they didn't notice, I got him when he was still an egg.". As they continued arguing they looked up from there spot to see a young guy in an S.W.A.T uniform with his head in the locker making moaning noises. They walked slowly past him and watched his tongue go up and down the My Chemical Romance poster. "Sie wuv lew Gurrawd" came from Neji's tongue-twisted voice.

Sakura the girl with many personalities

Yay it was finally 10:30, the time for the Halloween party. School finished at 11:15 today, and not only that but, all the grades met in the cafeteria for this small conference. Sasuke walked down to the cafeteria by himself going to the table he's been sitting at which seemed like all of his life. But as he went to sit down he looked up in astonishment to see Jeffree Star. "OH MY GOD" was the only thing that left Sasuke's mouth. But then he looked up and a very familiar voice said "Hey Sasuke, it's Sakura-chan." and the Jeffree Star look-alike sat down next to him. He looked her outfit up and down, the costume was _perfect._ Her hair was a much hotter shade of pink, and her face looked pointy-er with facial makeup. She was wearing three layers of fake eyelashes and mascara on top of it. "There's no difference... it's scary" Sasuke thought in his mind. Then Gaara sat across from them and said out loud "I HATE JEFFREE STAR." and gave Sakura an obnoxious look. "Well Gaara what are you for Halloween, your mom?" then a soft "Oh Burn.." left Neji's voice. "Go wash your half transvestite body in the sewer, hoe." came from Gaara, then Sakura changed. Sasuke couldn't tell what it was but, something about her body language and face expressions weren't hers, and she said "Oooh Pedro I love you, like ze moon loves ze stars" and she hugged Gaara. Gaara pushed her off and Sakura changed again. SMACK came from her hand and she said "DAVEY JONES I FOUND MY VAGINA!... m-mommy where am I?!?! It's it's snowing in here.." and Sakura rocked back and forth crying. "Sakura?" came from Gaara's almost merciful voice. But as soon as she started pounding her head into the table over and over again, Ino went over to their table and started walking Sakura toward's the nurse's office. "Ino what's happening to her?" Sasuke said but, no reply was found.

We Are The Akat-suck-me

Sasuke looked a little dumbfounded, and Gaara looked happy. He had no idea what just happened, and the cupcakes and candies weren't making him feel any better. He was still very confused, so he decided to take a little walk to clear his mind. As he was walking he almost forgot that all the grades where gonna be down here today. He looked around "Where is he? where is he?" his heart was racing, he walked past six tables of juniors until finally he reached a table filled with a group of people wearing black cloaks with red cloud designs on them. This was the first time he saw any of the members besides Itachi, from the Akatsuki. Itachi was well known to be home late from school practicing his vocals with his group but, he never expected them to be like this... As Sasuke walked past the odd variety of people he saw his brother sitting next to a guy jotting down words on a notebook. "Ahh Sasuke! sit down.. I want you to get acquainted with these people." came from Itachi's amiable but, apathetic voice. Sasuke still didn't like his brother, and never would but, he had respect for him since he was the father-figure.. and he was curious to see what type of people Itachi hung out with. He looked over to see a passage written in the notepad "Her last kiss embalmed with death from the vanity she leaves on your lips, she is the death wish in your bible", _The Bloodlust Liturgy_. "This is our song writer, he has a name but, we call him Leader." said Itachi. "This is going to be our top song" said Leader as he looked up at Sasuke with a tone of determination. "I like it" said Sasuke with a mellow tone. And then he got elbowed in the arm, "Oh sorry, un" came the voice. He looked up to see a very beautiful face with blue almond shaped eyes and long blonde hair, he then looked down the whole table and saw a pretty red-haired boy, a guy who looked like a plant, a guy who looked like a fish, a guy with a mask, and a guy with half of his face covered. "Un, I hear you're Tachi's brother, un?", "yeah" Sasuke replied then he saw the blondie stand up and scream "ZETSU, KISAME EVERY TIME YOUR TONGUES TOUCH JESUS LAYS AN EGG." The fishy guy looked up and said "Aww Weiwaduh zis nuff zretch tishung, zits tufh-oh-wah", "Suuure it's tongue-of-war, un, you gay heathens." said Deidara retorting. "Tobi's a good boy, I wiped my ass last night with shampoo" said the guy in the mask. "Tobi you still have to pay me for the anal sex, the back massage and the whipped crea-." the guy with his mouth covered said but, got cut off. "KAZUKU IS A MAN WHORE, WE ALL KNOW THAT ALREADY, UN" said Dei trying very hard not to burst out laughing. Sasuke was enjoying this, these people are far from what he considered "normal". Then he realized something "Hey aren't there supposed to be nine current members?". "Un, there is, HIDAN!!" and Dei stood up from the table and kicked underneath his seat. Shockingly enough a man rolled out from underneath the table. He had a blue-ish white mohawk and a french maid outfit. "Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue... And if you really want it, Hidan will blow you too." Dei shouted "FAiL FAiL FAiL FAiL" and kicked Hidan back under the table. "nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom" came from the red haired boy. "Who's' that?" asked Sasuke with a bemused face expression. "Ahh... this is Sasori princess face, un yahh." "SHADDAPP I'M PRITTYY" Sasori screamt. "Nuh yer uglee" Dei said. Saso then gave Dei a conceited look and said "Look at my tiara, this is a sign of royalty, mhmm son. word up" as he pointed to the little crown on his head. "That doesn't mean anything, un, it's from C-Town" Dei replied. "Bitch please, my daddy owns a yacht." "Un fuck off" Dei said, as Saso flaunted his fingers. "Hey Saso I'm finished with your dildo, un yeah.", and Dei retrieved from his pocket a clay penis. "Fhgjhgdjkgh..." Saso stuttered. "I DON'T WANT IT, YOU SICKO" he wailed. "ART IS A "_BANG_", UN, YEAH" and he threw the clay penis at Saso's head and it exploded.

Author's Side Note: **Next Chapter is a continuation**


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